Review of Transporter 3

Is this from a comic book? Like who sees these movies? Is this like Blade?

I love Wesley Snipes. I mean, he's cheesy as shit, but I just love that guy.

Review of Bolt

I smell Travolta.

Review of Twilight

This movie is SO! AWESOME!

I LOVE VAMPIRES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Review of Four Christmases

You think four christmases is tough? Try five, you dipshits.

Review of Australia

I don't think that's really the movie poster.

But then again, I don't think this is really a movie.

Review of The Day the Earth Stood Still

Not still enough.

Review of Quantum of Solace

The architecture of that hotel was perfect for long, drawn-out explosion scenes. I'm happy there was less testicular mutilation scenes in this film than in the last Bond. Don't get me wrong, I'd still like to stay at that hotel. I dig the eco-industrial design aesthetic.

Review of Stardust

The chick from that TV show glows when she gets horny.

Review of Burn After Reading

Spoiler Alert!:

Finally, Brad Pitt gets shot in the face!

Review of Righteous Kill

I used to think these two guys were the same person.

They're not, but they're both equally boring.

Review of Night in Rodanthe

This is just a movie of people touching each others' faces & hugging while that guy from Bush puts his voice in your ears. They never stop hugging.

It was pretty good. I cried. I admit it.

Review of Eagle Eye

Thrilling! I mean, it's just a silly thriller, but wow! Thrilling!

I even love the film's slogan: "If you want to live you will obey." So ominous.

Seriously, though. Go see this with your friends. I guarantee you'll have a fun afternoon.

Review of Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Disney takes on the difficult issues of Chicano culture. Chicano culture defeats Disney. Don't see this. Don't let your children near it.

Review of My Best Friend's Girl

Sometimes you need to do the things you're most afraid of. Sometimes you need to bathe with the things you fear.

I have a thing for Dane Cook. I can't explain it, but there you go.

Review of Quid Pro Quo

This movie is disturbing, challenging, controversial, stunning, bucolic, corrosive, avid, crenelated, avaricious, crafted, written, acted, scored, & ultimately forgettable.

Review of Baby Mama

I watched the deleted scenes of this DVD & I have to warn you, they were bad! I can understand why they were deleted. They would have made the movie much worse.

I thought this movie was sweet. Everyone worked through their problems by the end of it & got along. Even that oafish Carl!

Review of Hamlet 2

I did NOT find this funny.

Review of Made of Honor

My assistant told me there would at least be an hour of group powerwalking in this movie. Bridesmaids powerwalking to get their mannies & peddies, powerwalking to the wedding, powerwalking down the aisle. So I watched it while on my treadmill to help me connect with the romance of it all.

I need a new assistant.


Also, how do you turn off a treadmill?

Review of Tropic Thunder

At first I just wanted to see this because I thought it was so damn strange that Hollywood would make a movie with a character in black face. It was strange!

I feel bad, but I laughed at some parts of this.

But seriously, I mean, he is in blackface! Who the hell greenlit that?

Review of August Rush

A boy named Evan Taylor (Freddie Highmore) lives in an orphanage, all the while believing that his parents are alive. He believes the music that he hears all around him is his parents communicating with him. Evan does not want to be adopted because he believes his parents are still alive.

Through a series of flashbacks, his parents are revealed to be a famous concert cellist named Lyla Novacek (Keri Russell), and Louis Connelly (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), an Irish guitarist and lead singer of a rock band, who spend one romantic night together and never see each other again.

While Evan has believed his parents have wanted him all along, his mother only lately comes to find out that her son is alive and sets out to New York to find him. His father has never forgotten Lyla and doesn't know about Evan! Both have since given up music.

Evan makes his way to New York City, where he is taken in by a man known as "Wizard" (Robin Williams), who houses various orphans and runaways, employing them to play music on the streets and taking a large cut of their tips. Evan immediately proves to be a musical child prodigy. Wizard enlists him and gives him the name "August Rush", convincing him he will be sent back to the orphanage if his real name is ever discovered.

After a raid by the police, Evan takes refuge in a church, where he again impresses with his natural musical talent and is enrolled at the Juilliard School as "August Rush". A work he composes is chosen to be performed by the New York Philharmonic in Central Park, but Wizard barges into a rehearsal, and Evan reluctantly follows him back to his life of playing on the streets.

Meanwhile, Lyla has discovered Evan's identity and has been living in New York searching for him. While there, she decides to resume her cello career and is chosen to play in the same concert which features Evan's piece. Louis, believing Lyla to be married, also returns to New York to resume playing with his former band and has a chance meeting with Evan in Washington Square Park.

The night of the concert, Evan finally chooses to run from Wizard in favor of performing at his concert. Louis races to the park when he sees Evan's pseudonym along with Lyla's name on a sign billing the concert. Evan conducts his piece, and at its conclusion, he turns around to see Lyla and Louis standing hand in hand.

He finally makes the connection that they're his parents.

Review of Bad Boys 2

Very real. I wept for the Iguana.

Review of Sexy Beast

What Ben Kingsley wants is unknowable; but heaven knows it can’t be stolen.

Review of One Missed Call

When did phones become mobile?

Review of Superbad

The cops were amazing!

Everything else was ok.

Review of Hellboy 2

I don't know. I like that guy's face.

Review of Wanted

This was like watching the Harry Potter movies. No, more like reading Harry Potter.

Sometimes I think I could be a wizard.

I liked this movie.

Review of Stepbrothers

Wait, are they really brothers? Like in real life?

Review of Dead Man's Shoes

The woman at the video store recommended this. To be honest I can't even understand the accents. I tried to turn on the subtitles but there were no subtitles. Well, there were subtitles, but they were in Spanish. Eventually I just started playing minesweeper & stopped paying attention. I love minesweeper.

Review of Kung Fu Panda

I would rather watch a Vin Diesel marathon with my lady friends.

Review of Predator

Well, anything with Sonny Landham is promising.

Review of Wedding Crashers

Wedding Crashers?

I'm not MARRIED to it!

Get it? Get it?

I wonder if I have any more dark chocolate in the kitchen.

Whatshisface is actually pretty good in this.

Review of The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

Mummy?

More like MOMMY!

Oh man, Brendan Fraser is a douchebag.

Is that OK? Can I, Maya Angelou, say douchebag on this?

Review of Vantage Point

Not enough points.

And yet, somehow, too many points.

Review of Blade

I actually kind of like this movie.

Review of Jumper

Oh boy, I wish I had this super power. I would jump everywhere. Jump, jump, jump, that's all I would do. I'd show up at my friends' houses all the time, like, "oh, I was in the neighborhood." Oh boy, they would be surprised.

This move was pretty bad, though.

Review of Castaway

WILSON!!!!

Heh-heh-heh, I love that.

Is that beard real?

Review of Baghead

Every time I say the name of this movie I almost say "Baghdad."

I don't think this movie is a metaphor for the war in Irag, though. That one season of The Wire was, wasn't it? The Hamsterdam one?

This movie fills a void that had existed. A void for movies that cross crappy indie movies with knuckleheaded slasher movies. That wasn't a void anyone needed filled.

Review of Con Air

Man, they fly that plane into all sorts of things!

I can't believe John Cusack was in this.

I can't believe anyone was in it.

Review of The Dark Knight

That mayor guy sure did wear a lot of eye make up.

Was he a good guy? I can't really remember.

Review of Mandy Patinkin

Mandy is the creepy uncle to the world.